That’s one every 15 seconds. But how many are born while you’re in stuck on October Bridge, for example? Let us enlighten you...
What if I was to tell you, that by the time you're done reading this sentence, a new Egyptian will have been born. Maybe not yet, but by now it's probably been fifteen seconds. Yes, ma'am, according to a recent statement by the National Population Council's Spokesperson Amr Hassan, a new baby is born every fifteen seconds in Egypt. One. Five. Seconds. What in the actual fuck?
Actually hold on, before I get all cynical, here's a silver lining; if a baby is born every fifteen seconds, doesn't that mean there are Egyptians having sex almost every second of the day? I wasn't totally imagining what I saw through my window around 7 AM the other day then. That's a relief tbh, or is it?
Two Egyptian babies have made it into the world since you began reading this article, at the very least. With this rate, Egypt's population will have increased by 2 million by the end of 2018.
If you can wrap your head around this mind-boggling figure, allow me to elaborate on how time works. Fifteen seconds really isn't that much time. It takes much more time to make things far less impressive than babies, not to suggest that making babies is necessarily an accomplishment, but it does take effort. If it's not yet sinking in, here's a little something to help you understand what this means.
How many babies are born while you do these casual everyday activities?
Crossing October Bridge
Like a hormonal teenager, October Bridge is nothing but a series of disappointing surprises. One's better off forecasting the weather of a tropical, volcanic island than predicting if the bridge will be smooth. On average, an October Bridge regular would spend a considerable chunk of their daily commute contemplating giving up on life. Which would be totally chill, because if in the average 60 to 90 minutes it would take to get from say Heliopolis to Zamalek, 360 Egyptians will have been born. So go ahead if you will and drive off the bridge, we have enough new ones to make up for it.
Sexually-harassing a monkey
Obviously not a casual daily activity, nor are we suggesting you take it up as a habit, but fact is some Egyptians (at least one that we know of) enjoy jerking real-life monkeys off for a pastime. The duration it took an Egyptian woman to show that ape some good times was 80+ seconds, or at least that's what was recorded, so we're going out on a limb and considering that the average duration for this whole new level of What The Fuckery of an activity. If that's the case, then 8 new babies are born during such time. The woman in the video was reportedly arrested some 12 hours after the video , which means a staggering 2880 babies will have been born by then. Here's hoping they won't grow up to be anything like her.
Rolling a Joint
Again not suggesting every Egyptian should know how to roll joints, but our thriving hash industry may suggest that a lot of them do. Obviously clueless to how long it would possibly take to roll a joint, I had to reach out to some denjar sources, who explained to me that it's all about skill and firm-handedness, meaning quite literally how firm your hands are, not your management style. So assuming you're a beginner to intermediate level, it possibly takes you anything between five and ten minutes to roll a joint, according to my sources of course, meaning that between 20 and 40 extra Egyptians are now living before you're even fully immersed in the cloudy goodness of it all. That's crazy bruh.
How do you like your coffee? If you have some pretentious coffee machine that gets the job done for you in 2 minutes, that's 8 babies before your morning coffee. If you actually have to prepare the coffee yourself, which would take, say 10 minutes? That's 40 news babies. Before. Your. Morning. Coffee.
Getting through a K Hole
Mom, if you're reading this, it's important you know I don't even know what K is, but those who do cook up and sniff that horse tranquilizer on the reg report what they describe as a K Hole, a seemingly liberating free dive into the depth of one's unconscious without actually being able to move a finger. My sources, or Friends of K as I like to call them, confirm that one line could keep you in that state for at least 20 minutes, which means.... DRUM ROLL.... 80 more Egyptians have arrived, hopefully to make better choices than my 'sources'.
Having your startup fail
Did you think you're the only failpreneur out there? Did the guilt and shame wash over you as you watched your not-so-well-thought-out business meet its inevitable fate? Well, every failure is a lesson, according to each and every TED speaker, so don't dwell on the bygones and look at the glass half-full; one new baby was born in the 15 seconds it took your startup to fail. Ouch, jk.
Becoming Number One
Obviously not everyone can simply become number one, so only read on if you're Mohamed Ramadan, in which case I'd like to say that I'm thrilled! I've seen most of your movies on Gharb El Delta rusty buses enroute to Sahel and my shitty headphones never seem to be powerful enough to shut all the noise out, so I actually had to listen to you too. Sitting through that has taught me so much about will-power, patience, and resilience, so thank you for that.
Mohamed Ramadan was just your average aspiring actor a few years back, but with the help of amino acid has now made it as the ultimate golden boy of Egyptian screens. His rise to fame happened rather quickly, within just a few years. The movie which catapulted Ramadan into A-lister status was the super questionable Abdou Mota, which couldn't have taken more than a week to shoot. If my bet is proven a fact, 40320 babies have made it into the world while Ramadan was making it to Number One, but only one of those babies will get to be the future Number One. Because there could only be one Number One, and that's The Number One.)